“so, turns out it WAS all about the money…”

“so turns out, it WAS all about the money…”

they set me up to believe i was “family”…

called me grandma and everything, made me feel good at first as i’ve never had kids, little on grandkids, and have to admit this was nice in the beginning.

told me many times, it wasn’t bout the money, they were here to help with anything i needed, so i set them up to be my care providers, 1st was not much, only 20 hrs a month, but later on and after physical, they up’d it to 44..

now problems started when they were only working like 3 -4 hrs max per week, i was in need, and waited many many time till it was convenient on them… big mistake, trying to help hurt me big time

wasnt long till i felt like greed set in, as id been giving them a LOT of household stuff, and jewelry and things very personable to ME, that i must get rid of or will get dumped.

trying hard to get all my affairs in order before i pass, as not to leave all this mess for someone strange to sort thru n whatever, being i’ll past few years i’ve had no one so this meant a lot and i thought id really found some family to care!

they even gave me a small pooodle pup so my jazzie wouldn’t be so lonesome and i had some more love around and more to even get up for…

well shoulda had a clue when in large groups they all spoke spanish and hardly ever would translate, so i kinda just stayed at home n let a few at a time come visit, was nice we played puter games and played dominoes and all sorts nice things, i felt a lot better than i had in years… even talked about their family members buying my home, and all kinds stuff.. shaken head

then the hrs and needs started gettin to me, they were getting paid for 44 hrs and only working like 12-16 of them! all month! well i needed help, so ask lady i know if she would be available part time, thinking they could split/share hrs, as they wasn’t earning and i was needing… well thinking it “wasn’t bout the money” duh.. i talked to them many many time in over a month, so told them what i planned, well chit hit roof there… NO WAY i was told.. all or nothing, and then they wanted the pup and tried to grab it outta my arms (5 months they never came to play/feed/buy food/nothing) now that night ok, next night no, they came with keys, thrown at me says over, n tried to snatch pup, tug of war, sherrifs called, they lied says it was theirs, so i was made to had that baby over! BROKE my heart! so vindictive! after ALL ive given and shared, and they knew my pain first hand and to do this to me! SHOCKED, still depressed, hard to even function, then Jazzie hard time eating also, missing her playmate, and me missing what i loved so much, alls in my life is Jazzie n me, and it was a blessing as well as a joy to have new life for us here.

all diestroyed over MONEY! GREED!

shaking head… i’m sooo dumb, i want SO to find someone who can deal n handle n help and looking like i’m goin out all alone and no one knowing anything bout zip… boy thats not a great thought after the life ive had…

its been a month + now and i’m still just devastated, function very little and care less, do best i can to deal with daily stuff as comes up… talk bout a raw deal, and grave mistrust! after knowing part of all ive been thru and to do this to me!

i’m done, ready to go HOME PLEASE Lord!

Not a lot left to live for except get rid more stuff..slow process

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Today was a good day

am Erica (oldest) took me to mail my pkgs and get cigs…

later Family visit…

 then i make a fire and flue is blocked as always when rains… wets the ash n clogs the screen. smoke inside like crazy. so i call him n 3 boys come over grab ladder go up on roof brush screen and works fine, had to air out house stunk bad as always…

later eve him n her bring me fruit..

how neat and watched news with me…


so nice. i like this.

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Good News (let us hope)

In such terrible need, just trying to survive the daily struggles is bad ’nuff but then the help I had couldn’t make it all time, has their own health problems so was so down spent the whole last 2 days in bed.
hurt my back bad gettin up wood and depression din’t help.

well I met the new family moved across the street this eve as I went out to get mail. He brought out the whole family, wife, 4 teens, uncle and another.. and we chated a bit and they offerin to help me out! WOW PRAY this works as i’m at end of my rope and harder and harder to even get outta bed seems.

hell being all alone and so needy now. everythings broke, worn out same as me. been in my home 30 yrs and with all the gov cuts past 3 years ruined me. i see no way out, and to have lost all dental, eyecare, and most meds n coverage due to calif being broke hasn’t made life any better.

well I got outta my sick bed to try to sell some jewels n treasures so I can get a ne/rebuilt iMac and a tv and maybe an iPad as soon i’ll be bedridden and to ill to set here.

so i have sstuff to mail and no way to go, not even to shop or whatever i need. it’s anykind of life i’m here to tell you.

So PRAY these ppls work out, will right across street and plenty ppls there incase of needs perhaps.

am i hoping for to much?
the state will get the house and all treasures i’ve had most all my life will be tossed or junked, how awful

here’s a fraction of a whole house full i need to sell.
stop by check it all out! reduced prices also.

so we shall see what tomorrow holds. I’m soooo ready to go HOME!

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Hell here on earth

well i need to write

just when i thought it couldnt get any worse… it DID…

i tried to start the etsy business and nothing but problems, and along with living with a leaking roof, a toilet that don’t flush, ice maker broke for years, truck down n stranded for past 1 yr 7+ months, WAY behind on my house payments, setting on a houseful of treasures and nobody around to even car, SUCKS…

and i’m ill to boot and then nobody around now to help… i drove em all off as I was too needy.

problems w/help they try just have their own problems… I don’t know what to do no more… dont wanna get outta bed…

and eating… well geeze meerly “exist” as I dont get to shop…

shakin head.

dont know what to do ad now i’m outta wood! and its till winter here in desert and cigs… grrr + other stuff. TAKE me HOME LORD PLEASE!

I do NOT fit…can’t deal with all this all my life has been cruel

I think “hell” is right here with us daily

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i’m not normal…

I’m NOT normal

too broken inside to ever heal….
how many do you know that:

*grew up w/no family lovin them…
*ran away at 14 w/o goin to jail, gettin pregant, or drugged out…
*met a guy one night n married him the next… lookin for love
*could’nt ever have children due to physical abuse
*goes to dads funeral only to be told not allowed in
*searched for family only to find alls gone*bounced back not one, not 2 but 3 times after divorce, loosin all each time, to only have the system dig the final grave
*lost house not once , not twice, but 3 times! and fought till became owner again n again n again …
*has been stalked not once but twice and became victim of a violent crime, loosin 6 mo life +
*was given the death sentence, waiting to die and got pissed, weaned off all meds n worked the next yr in construction…*has so much talant n creativity and starvin…
*has had a death, a divorce and a major quake all 1 yr apart
*tells it flat out and nobody can handle or deal w/truths
*have achieved great things to be in such a rut now
*the brain dont stop and drives all crazy
*lives as tho they are dying, n nobody understands why they aren’t function’n as normal..

loss after loss, takes a toll on one’s soul

I did NOT choose this…
I believe in God yes, I believe in RAPTURE yes! why? cause whether real or not after this life i dont ever wanna miss out on peace n happiness, this has been my hell down here most all my life…yes I’ve done n had n achieved great things but i’m broken into peaces and really I just wanna go HOME and have peace.. that is my ONLY escape my idea of friends n family is a lot dif from what most feel or think should be so will knever know that feeling of protection or someone always being there for me …

I’ve have very little support along the path that got me here

this will continue…..

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Today was a GREAT day!

Today was a GREAT day!
friend went picked up my meds, and then we went to Home Depot and I bought a snake for the drain and a gal of lqd to put down them, treated him to a burger and home and he got it unclogged!! GREAT! OMG!
we went had a beer (i won 10 bucks!) and home, as he had things to do but TYJ!!!

Now I did 3 loads laundry, had a hot soak … Calgon took me away! and now i get to sleep in a CLEAN bed w/clean clothes n body! OMG almost feelin a little bk to human again, least i smell better.

So was a good day for a change!
OH and I had 1665 VIEWS on my flickr page by tweeting, all time high! n was gone part of gay! tonight 100,000 since 7//9 so 1 1/2 yrs..
i avg 200 day but since twitter 4-5x’s ++ NOW! omg
get to leave my mark after all perhaps.

Time will tell
i’ll hide n watch
stay tuned…….

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HiDesert wearher updates

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